Roll Call

[HOFFMAN wakes up in his APARTMENT, sweating, eyes wide. He looks around, trying to establish reality.]

HOFFMAN:

As dreams go... that was fucked up. Jesus Christ... those weirdoes... [shudders]

[PANDA, SOCKS, RYAN, ELLEN, and DANIKA walk out of the shadows.]

PANDA:

Uh, Hoffy-cakes? We’re still here.

HOFFMAN:

What- What the fuck is going on?!

DANIKA:

Get used to us... ‘cuz we’re not going anywhere.

HOFFMAN:

You sure about that? [walks to the desk, and flips through a PHONE BOOK.]

SOCKS:

Wait, what’re you doing?

HOFFMAN:

I’m calling a psychiatrist. Anti-psychotic drugs, and you’re all gone.

PANDA:

[smiles] You’re not schizophrenic, Hoffman. We’re real, okay?

[HOFFMAN continues to flip through the PHONE BOOK.]

RYAN:

Oooh, I wouldn’t do that, if I were you.

HOFFMAN:

...Are you seriously quoting John at me? How would you know?

ELLEN:

We’re your fans,

We know every aspect of your life,

DANIKA:

We know all about your strife,

We know who you’ll eventually fuck,

With a knife- [winks]

RYAN:

Team Hoffman!

ELLEN:

Love it,

DANIKA:

Hate it,

PANDA:

Wanna-make-love-to-it,

SOCKS:

Five-thousand-posts-shove-a-sharpie-up-it,

PANDA:

What?

SOCKS:

Dark Silence’s bet?

PANDA:

Oh yeah.

HOFFMAN:

None of you’re real,

Don’t bug me,

I’m sane, that’s the deal,

Get outta my fucking head!

RYAN:

Don’t’cha wanna feel,

Any of us,

Maybe not Panda, 

Unless you’re a ped,

NothingwrongwiththatIswear,

PANDA:

Can I touch your hair? [smiles]

RYAN:

Team Hoffman!

ELLEN:

Love it,

DANIKA:

Hate it,

PANDA:

Wanna-make-love-to-it,

SOCKS:

Have-a-cumming-good-time-on-it!

[SOCKS slaps his palm against the outstretched palms of TEAM HOFFMAN, lined up, RYAN closest to HOFFMAN, DANIKA at the other end; SOCKS takes his place between DANIKA and PANDA.]

RYAN:

Ryan, CEO.

ELLEN:

Hoffman-Rules, VP; you can call me Ellen.

PANDA:

SadPanda, Treasurer, Panda for short.

SOCKS:

Socks, Governor General, aka Sebastian-

PANDA:

Just Socks.

DANIKA:

Danika Azrael, Danika, IFUCKINGLOVEYOU!

RYAN:

Team Hoffman!

ELLEN:

Love it,

DANIKA:

Hate it,

PANDA:

Wanna-make-love-to-it,

SOCKS:

Have-a-cumming-good-time-on-it!

HOFFMAN:

Still haven’t explained what’s going on.

RYAN:

Team Hoffman!

ELLEN:

Love it,

DANIKA:

Hate it,

PANDA:

Wanna-make-love-to-it,

SOCKS:

Have-a-cumming-good-time-on-it!

HOFFMAN:

Oh, fuck it.

RYAN:

Team Hoffman!

ELLEN:

Love it,

DANIKA:

Hate it,

PANDA:

Wanna-make-love-to-it,

SOCKS:

Have-a-cumming-good-time-on-it!

TEAM HOFFMAN:

Team Hoffman! Whoooooo! 

Fuck yeah! 

Team Hoffman,

FUCK YEAH!